I miss my mom every day. Every day there is some reminder that she is gone. There is always something I want to share with her, but I can’t. My mom was my best friend, a great mom, and an even more amazing grandmother to my kids. I used to call her daily, sometimes multiple times a day. She was the person that I wanted to tell everything to. She was my go-to person who I would call for advice, even if I didn’t really need advice, i wanted to hear what she thought.
Cara had her two month checkup yesterday, and I wanted more than anything to call my mom and tell her about how big she’s gotten, like I always did after Connor and Fiona’s appointments. I want to tell her about how Fiona kept warning Cara that she didn’t want to go to the doctor and Cara started crying the moment we walked into the hospital as if she understood.
I want to call her and tell her about how Fiona is thriving already since we switched her to homeschool. I had so much doubt in myself making that decision, but it is clear that we made the right call. Already Fiona is so much happier and calmer, her frustration tolerance has drastically improved, and we can see her light shining through.
Every time I hold Cara, I think about my mom’s excitement for us when I told her I was pregnant and I wish so badly that she could have seen this beautiful baby and held her in her arms, like she did Connor and Fiona. It makes me so sad that my mom never got to meet Cara and that Cara will grow up without ever getting to know my mom.
Fiona loves to draw and we have been sitting and drawing together at night, something that makes her so happy. Every time we do, I remember my mom drawing with me and being so amazed by her drawings. I remember her staying up late at night to help me draw pictures for school projects.
I thought about getting rid of this blog and starting fresh with a new page. Fiona wants to start a family YouTube channel, and I’ve thought about just creating a page that I could collaborate on with my kids – but one with more anonymity for them. A page where names and our location have never been posted, so they can take more ownership of the page as well. I am fairly confident no one reads this page anymore anyway. It has been a long time since I shared this blog with anyone, and I never told anyone that I went back to writing on here. Right now, I am not writing for any audience except myself. Still, I can’t get myself to give up this page. I thought about letting go and starting fresh on a new page, but then I remember all the time I spent talking to my mom trying to figure out the name for this website and I can’t let go of Plaid Polka Dots after that. I think about the fact that my mom always read my blog, and I want to believe so badly that she is somewhere right now and she can still read my blog posts. She was always so proud of everything I wrote – even the smallest, simplest things, she was proud of me. So for now, I am going to keep this blog and keep writing – even if I’m not writing for anyone but myself, and maybe somewhere out there, my mom.