Turning a Page
It has been nearly a year since my last post on this page. It has been even longer since I was writing and updating this page regularly. Life has pulled me in many different directions and I haven’t prioritized making time to write. I need to fix that.
Writing is part of what makes me feel like me. When I don’t make the time to write, I feel like I am just chugging along to get through each day. I keep saying that I am going to get back to writing. I have kept this blog and have revisited the page every few months with the intention of writing a new post – but it never really happens. Something always comes up and without prioritizing writing, something is always going to come up. Life is busy, kids are demanding, and it is easier to focus on the daily tasks that seem never-ending than it is to take some time for myself and my writing.
A lot has happened since I last maintained a regular writing habit. I started homeschooling my oldest. My youngest developed complex medical needs that entailed three different hospitalizations, multiple procedures that would never have been on my radar a year ago, and major surgery. She is now healthy, but still struggles with pain and after effects from everything she went through. She was a “velcro child” before everything she went through, but ever since she has been even more attached. I love my children with all my heart, and it is so easy to prioritize their needs over my own – which means I have failed to prioritize myself and my writing, even though I know that that is important too.
Additionally, I finally became pregnant after many years of trying for another child and have been trudging through the different stages of pregnancy. The biggest and most recent change though is that I lost my mom. She passed away a month ago and it has shattered me. My mom was my person, the one person that I could go to for anything no matter what. I am still processing and grieving. There is so much to say about my mom and that loss.
My mom was my biggest supporter when it came to my writing. She always encouraged me and believed in me. She read everything that I wrote. Since losing her, writing seems even more important. It is a way to feel like I can connect with her – I have been writing her letters almost daily since her death. I have to believe that somewhere, some way she is able to read the words that I write. It is a way to write about her, the amazing person she was, and honor her memory. It is a way for me to process some of my grief and take care of my own emotional well-being. It is also a way to get my words out. I have so many things to say and stories inside of me. My mom’s unexpected death brings a greater sense of urgency to everything in my life, there is so much more that I need and want to do in my life and getting words out into the world is a big part of that.
Right now, I don’t have a plan for this blog. I thought about archiving everything and starting fresh – maybe I will, I am not ready to figure out the next steps. I am not sure how drastically the focus of this blog may have shifted until I start writing. I still plan to write about my life in my wonderful mountain town, much of that focused around parenting. I also have a lot to say about homeschooling and different choices we have made that weren’t even on my radar when I first started this blog. Grief and mourning is also a big part of my life right now, and I know it is going to be a part of anything that I right. Where I am right now may call for some blog changes and a redesign. I don’t really know and can figure all that out later. For now, I just need to write.