Today, I just want to write. Writing has always been a passion of mine. Unfortunately, lately Saoirse does not make it easy to get that writing done. She is a velcro baby (well, toddler now I suppose) and the instant she sees me computer she has to be right there poking at the screen and banging on the keys. So, I avoid pulling out my computer when she is around. The thing about being a stay at home mom is, she is always around. Pretty much my main opportunity to write is if I wake up early enough in the morning and have time to write before she wakes up. Fortunately for me, I am a morning person and she usually likes to sleep in pretty late.
I also think writing is something that I had just pushed away while I was dealing with my thesis. Every time that I wanted to sit down and write, I felt guilty if I wrote anything other than my thesis. Now that that is no longer looming over me, I have noticed myself seeking out more and more opportunities to write.
Writing is cathartic for me. Even right now, as I am not really writing about anything, the feeling of my hands moving across the keyboard, stringing together letters the turn into words, and words that turn into sentences, I feel so at peace. I love the feeling of just pouring my heart out onto the page. For now, pretty much everything I write is free form as it comes to my head. It is a therapeutic process for me.
The freeing feeling that comes over me when I write, is why I am so tempted to reveal every aspect of my life on here. Although, I am writing under a pen name, anyone could probably discover my real name if they were determined enough. So, I realize I should be cautious about what I post on the internet. At the same time, I also think there is value is sharing my raw, (mostly) unfiltered experience and perspectives. Beyond the therapeutic value in putting it out there, maybe it could help someone someday see that they are not alone and that it really does get better.
I used to allow myself to free-flow write about Ryan. Then, I realized what I was doing. That is the reason why I do not use my children’s first names and why I make sure to focus on my perspective and experience and try to avoid writing about their most vulnerable moments. Right now, Ryan is at an age where he is completely okay with the idea of me sharing information about him on the internet and even tells me I should use his real name. That is because he doesn’t fully understand the permanence of the internet, so even if I have his permission now, I don’t know whether he would really be okay with it years down the line. One thing that I try to keep in mind in writing about my children is how they would feel reading what I wrote. I won’t write things that make my children feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, exposed or sad.
Focusing on myself instead of my children in my writing was a mental shift for me. As a mom, it is so easy to hide myself in my children. Focusing so much on them, that I never really have to share my own identity. It is really easy to get lost that way. By shifting the focus to myself on this blog, I feel like I am putting myself under a microscope and fully revealing myself. As a socially awkward introvert, I really struggle to open up in person. I am so afraid to reveal myself, I have a hard time connecting with other people, as much as I really want that. When I am writing though, it all flows freely from me. I wish I knew how to be as open in person as I am in writing.
I have a few posts in my drafts folder that I have been working on for a while. Adding onto whenever I feel like fully opening up. Those posts are brutally honest looks at myself, my thinking, and my experiences. I struggle with whether I am putting too much in them. Not only do they expose me, but also, I wonder who is ever going to want to sit down and read that. As I think about it, I want to share it, so I will.
Right now I am not writing for an audience, and that allows me to write more openly and freely. I have deliberately not shared this blog on any social media connected to real life family and friends, because if I knew they were reading, I think I would be more likely to censor myself. I do plan to eventually share all of these posts on my regular social media profile. First though, I want to prove to myself that I can maintain a consistent writing schedule and build up a history of at least 20 posts.
Right now, I feel like I can write anything on here. Of course, I realize that this is the internet and I am mindful of that. However, it is freeing to be able to write publicly but only for myself. I hope that I can continue to write this freely, even once I have shared this blog.