I was supposed to blog on Wednesday, but I did not. I sat down many times throughout the day, and attempted to blog, but I just couldn’t finish. Wednesday was a panic day for me. There wasn’t anything that I was consciously worried about, and yet my entire body felt trapped in a state of panic.
My heart and my thoughts were racing all day. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, making it difficult to breathe. I could not think straight, and I wanted nothing more than to curl up in some dark corner until those feelings went away (which of course I couldn’t do, because I was busy taking care of my kids all day).
Cal tried to help me feel better by reminding me that everything was okay and there was nothing to worry about. Those types of affirmations can sometimes be helpful, when my anxiety is triggered by something specific. Unfortunately, when I don’t even consciously know why I am so anxious, nothing seems to help.
I have noticed that Wednesdays tend to be more anxious days for me. Perhaps it was a bad idea to choose Wednesday as a day for my blog posts. On the other hand, maybe it is better for me to work through it. I absolutely love to write. I find it relaxing and fulfilling. I love sitting down, reflecting on my thoughts, and putting them on the page. However, when I am in panic mode, trying to write a simple blog post (which should come naturally to me) feels like I am trying to write a 20 page research paper on a topic that I have never even heard of. I struggle to gather my thoughts, and second guess every key stroke.
Days like yesterday, are the reason that I have such a tendency to let my blogs lapse. I sit down to blog on a day when I am in an anxious state, and I just can’t do it. Then, I start getting anxious about my lack of a blog post and overthinking it. Then I start, to associate blogging with the anxious feelings I get while trying to write like that. Before I know it, I push my blog out of my head and fall out of the habit of writing.
I do not want this to happen again this time. One big difference between this blog and my previous attempts, is that I am writing openly about my anxiety. Previously, I was too embarrassed by my anxiety issues and avoided them rather than blogging openly about them. Not only did this prevent me from blogging honestly and openly, it also made it that much more difficult to blog through my anxiety. By writing honestly about anxiety as I am dealing with it, I am hoping to develop more insights into myself and to better be able to stick with blogging.
For now, I plan to keep to my goal of blogging every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, even if Wednesdays are disproportionately more likely to be panic days for me. I will try to build up a reserve of back up blog posts that I can publish if the anxiety is just too much on a given day, however, I hope to be able to push myself through the anxiety and overcome this small hurdle.