I am trying to get myself back into a regular writing routine. For me, part of doing that is to make regular blog posts on here. The problem that I am coming up against is that the emotions that writing brings up and the emotions that are currently pervasive in my life are blocking me. I want to write. In theory, writing makes me feel better and helps me process emotions. I love writing and normally words flow freely when I start typing. Right now though, writing is hard. It feels like every word is tugging at my heart and ripping open wounds that might have been temporarily scabbed over.
I think a big part of my struggle is that the normal tone that I have taken in these blog posts has been cheery and upbeat. When I sit down to make another post on here I feel an internal pressure to keep that cheery tone. Right now, I am not cheery. Don’t get me wrong, I still smile and have happy moments. I can sit and smile with my friends. I smile while I play in the pool with my kids and watch them show me all the new tricks they are learning. Still, at my core that grief is still there and I don’t think it is going to go away any time soon.
Writing is something that comes from the heart, at least for me. I am sure that if I really tried, I could write a surface-level cheery post and ignore the feelings of grief that come up as I write. I don’t really want to do that though. Maybe that is a good reason to start this blog over and try to get rid of the pressure to keep things cheery, or maybe I should stay away from the blog until I am ready to post cheery content. I don’t think either of those options really accomplishes much. I think it is good for me to work past that cheery pressure and keep things honest and real on this blog. Worrying about “tainting” the blog with some unhappy content is silly too. Right now, I am not really writing for any particular audience. I am writing for myself and for the purpose of writing. It makes sense that the feel of the blog will mirror where I am at emotionally.
My plan for today was to make a post about my pregnancy. I still want to make that post, but right now I can’t. I tried to sit down and write it and couldn’t push my way through all of the emotions that came up. In many ways I am thrilled about my pregnancy. We tried for this baby for 5 years and went through a lot to get here. That positive pregnancy test was so exciting. Being pregnant without my mom here though, hits harder than I could have imagined. Right now, there is a lot of sadness mixed in with that happiness. Writing about my pregnancy feels like it should be a happy and excited post, but the emotions are complicated and I am still trying to work through them.
Perhaps tomorrow will be easier and I will be able to make that post. Maybe it will be a happy post or maybe I will work past that internal pressure and have a post that reflects the complicated emotions that I am working with. Either way, here’s hoping that I can get those words to flow more freely tomorrow.