Who Am I?
As I attempt to get back to blogging, I find it important to define my identity. Who am I? If I am writing about myself and my life, what does that mean? What kinds of things might I write about? Over and over again, I have said that I feel like I lost myself and my identity. I don’t know who I am anymore. The fog of grief, depression, and parenting a newborn (now a toddler) overtook my life and I lost sight of myself. The truth is, even when lost in the fog, I still have an identity, it just got harder for me to see. I am hoping that by writing out different aspects of my current identity, it will help me find and better understand myself, and help me see all of the different aspects of my life that I can write about.
So, who am I? I am a Catholic, homeschooling mom of 3 beautiful children. I am a grieving daughter who has fought hard through anxiety and depression. I am a writer and homemaker, trying to improve and stay focused on both. I am a resident of a beautiful old house in a charming little town tucked away in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. I am a loving mother and wife who is trying hard to improve both my mental and physical health so that I can be here for my family for hopefully many years to come.
Catholic – This is one of the most positive changes for me over the past few years. When I first started this blog, I considered myself “culturally Catholic” but not religious. I had tried RCIA to officially be confirmed in the Catholic Church back in college, and as much as I had loved Catholicism, I couldn’t honestly say that I believed it. I floated around struggling to find belief in anything greater, and dabbled in paganism searching for a greater sense of meaning, but it all came up short for me. In dealing with the loss of my parents, that search for meaning became even stronger in me, and I felt myself pulled back to the Catholic Church. As I tried different churches and researched and searched my soul, Catholicism suddenly clicked for me in a way it never had before. The things that I previously struggled with now made so much sense to me. I am now a devout Catholic and my religion is a hugely important part of who I am. I have found so much clarity and peace since my return to Catholicism.
Mom of 3 – When I started this blog, I was a parent of two young children, ages 2 and 9. I now have three beautiful children, ages 2, 8, and 15. I had my oldest when I was young and unprepared, getting pregnant at 19 and giving birth at 20. I had my youngest at age 33, during the most difficult year of my life (the year when I lost both my parents). I have struggled with so many years of infertility and countless chemical pregnancies in between. Being a mom to all three of them is the greatest gift that I could ask for. At this stage of life, they consume pretty much all of my time and energy between the three of them. There are days that I feel overwhelmed by the challenges of parenting three kids in completely different stages of childhood, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Homeschooling Mom – Homeschooling was never part of my original plan. When I began this blog, my oldest went to the local public school, and my daughter went to the local Montessori school once she was 3. For us, discovering homeschooling was a positive thing that came out of the pandemic. We discovered how much my son thrived when I taught him at home, even more so when I was able to choose and design his curriculum to meet his unique needs and interests. Even when the world returned to normalcy, my son begged to continue. A few years later, his sister begged to be homeschooled too. This path had lead to so many new discoveries for our family. I am able to give each child a truly personalized education, and am constantly researching and learning more alongside them. It has been a beautiful journey, but it is also a lot of constant work and a major aspect of our day to day life.
Grieving Daughter – My grief has been a major part of my journey over the past few years. It is coming up on two years since both my parents were gone. My grief has stabilized more and more in that time, but it is still just as present as ever. I have been learning to live with the grief and try to push through even when the waves of grief try to pull me under again.
Writer – Writing has always been a huge part of my life. Fiction or non-fiction, when I write, I feel like I create a connection straight from my heart to my fingertips. I can pour myself out on the page, organize my thought, and find peace and clarity. The past few years, I have been so caught up in my grief and parenting, that I haven’t allowed myself time to write. In moments when I do have time to write, I feel so blocked, I can’t think of anything worth saying. I am trying to get back to my normal writing self now. My goal is to write everyday – whether that be a journal entry, a blog post, or working on my WIP. For February, I am giving myself a goal of posting something on this blog everyday. I am hoping that these goals will help pull me out of my slump and create new and stronger writing routines. I also have a middle grade novel that I need to finish and I hope to finish that this year too. I wrote the first draft years ago at this point, and I am tired of it sitting on my shelf waiting to be edited. Right now, I am so out of practice with my writing, that I don’t trust myself to edit well. Once I get back into my writing rhythm, I need to finish editing that novel so I can move on to all the other projects brewing in my head.
White Mountains Resident – I live in a beautiful little town in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Exploring all of the amazing things that my area has to offer was one of the first focuses of my blog. Many years later, I am still in love with my area, and there is still a lifetime of exploring left for me to do around here (although I love exploring different spots around the world as well).
The more I write this list, the more aspects of my identity that I think of. I am an animal lover, a bookworm, a sister, a friend, a lover of travel, and so many more things. As someone who felt like I had lost myself, seeing this list written down is helping me see myself again. I can already feel my excitement for this blog returning, and I am so excited to see how it will help me as I continue to write in this space.
